Hello all,

I've not put to paper my thoughts for quite a time now. The time has moved by and so much has happened. Uncertainties manifested in the winds about my effort have turned my mind from side to side and developed a renewed mindset where I think I might be less contradictory to my pursuit of structure. The rock where I stand is not where I believed I had stood before.

God, it's uncomfortable to get to know You. Your will and not my own is hard to realize. I've said that very truth before and yet never realized the depth of understanding necessary to incorporate such a demanding life style. Words can do allot and they can cover allot.

I'm not sure if I can fully describe the word, love. The most meaningful explanation that I've heard recently is that it's not stimulation, but inspiration. It's not the instant gratification of what we feel as a result of the verb. Or even the shove we need to cause movement toward our goals. No, it is the setting of new goals, the conceiving of an alternate end to our means, and there by, the changing of those. The idea and presence of love constitutes a resolve beyond acting on motivation and invokes the tangible need for raising the ability to implement and tackle goals that precede the vision it has instilled within us.

I tend to be apprehensive when it comes to giving myself fully over to something. Caution is my portion. I have developed the philosophy, through disappointment and grief, of moderation in all things. I still stand by that principle, but couple with it another philosophy saying, love inspires. And I have been inspired. The effects of this are becoming evident in my life and the need for drastic, unbalanced action seems evermore constant. This is unsettling to my person. I believe, having become so determined to find the balance I was looking for, that I had given weight to a complacency which destroyed what contentment I tried to display. My thoughts were of a restless nature and my order was of chaos. I was a lop-sided scale.

Now love is driving me to a change that is not of my own thinking. I've gotta become the man I was created to be. Lord, give me diligence.